walking alone in the poorly lit lane

That i have restrained myself from new posts for close to a month now,often makes me question myself.I stand witness to the transformations in me,some internal while others are cutaneous.the latter is boring and fails to convince me to discuss or spend more time talking it.The former however needs attention.

I ve always dreamed of being different and doing different things.For close to 20 years now,that i ve spent in this world,i ve constantly made a sketch of what i want to become and what plan i have for life.some,in fact most, were volatile while a few still retain its shape . some of these plans or wishes would be kiddish and be more likely true in a comic book than someone's life.I dont trash those for i believe those were the biggest wish 1 could have when i was 5.As you grow,so do your thoughts and your view of the world.you meet new people, you hear new words and see new places...all these have an impact on your thoughts.one of such thoughts that have cemented within me now is the craving for intelligence.

For the past 20 days or so, one could find me doing things which arent so common in my context[atleast the way i ve been so long].but this change,if at all you think it is...is not an immediate result of a reaction but a watered plant of wishes and interests.the wish to do something different in life.the wish to grow up to become a great human being.a wish to mature academically and emotionally.

I have this feeling of a boy who is just making his way to the stage for the 1st time and he is to stand before a vast crowd mixed with people of different tastes,cultures and habits.I have this feeling of a student anxiously waitin for his exam results sometimes imagining a post-result drama or consequences only to see that most of them jus drain away.i dont want to leave this situation for i feel this has made me think hard about life and what i need to do to have it the way i want it to be.

These thoughts have been running continually in my mind so much so that i dont hear the phone ring or notice the vehicle in front of mine.i recall a couple of incidents where i have had a close call with a vehicle and how i felt happy and drove more carefully then.people driving close to me could recollect how my lips would always be in motion giving the feeling that i was humming a song or using a hands free.but neither of them are true.i speak to myself.about what i have done so far.what i need to do now.

my conversations with people are now limited..the latest one being the small fight i had with my bro for having closed my work which i had left unsaved on my pc. for i find that you waste a lot of energy in useless unproductive conversations.though you cant debate global warming and price rise 24*7,you can definitely limit your time spent in useless talks.even if you are not substituting the saved time with something useful, you can pat yourself for atleast not wasting them.my interest in machine,especally the pc is on a new high.i find this chap whose mother tongue is binary way too comfortable to discuss things."How machines can replace man?" is an endlessly alluring theme and makes the perfect mood for a lazy sunday afternoon.

I'm reading books, the latest one being "other colors" by Orhan Pamuk whom the eastern and western world gracefully own.I'm reading about him and am fascinated by his intelligence.its after reading him, i realised how i ve fooled myself by refraining from writing.writing and reading gives you a pleasure that no other art gives.
the television is filled with crap.people are sometimes boring.i dont know if this is making me aloof,but i m sure i m doing things which i feel is right.even if things dont turn out the right way,i can be proud that i m the sole one to blame, for no one else had influenced my decision.people say that i am unstable while some feel its difficult for them to understand me.a curve on my face is the only emotion in response.dunno where this is leading to.but whatever the path is, i m sure its got loads to offer.you need to keep traveling and be a wanderlust ,for life is too short and the world too large to be understood and enjoyed.

Now that i have written, i genuinely feel content and maybe i could now be more me than before.now,my neighbor wouldn definitely complain that i didnt smile at him while sharing the elevator.
life is amazing.life is beautiful.
so much intelligence around!so inspiring!

hugs

balaji